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Friday, September 24, 2010

I miss him


It's been 2 weeks since Lane's little body was warm and huggable, but almost three since I saw his cute little smile and got slobbery kisses on my cheeks and he would was yelling at me to turn his TV on at 7 in the morning on a Sunday. Most days have been good days, but I've been trying to focus on the "positive things". No more loading and unloading of him and his chair for doctor's visits, therapy visits, and anything else that came up. More privacy...no more nurses and DME and home health coming in and out. A lot less thought goes into going anywhere, I don't have to think about is the place we're going wheelchair accessible, did I remember the extra vent battery. Doing homework, he was so stubborn. But I miss it all, I miss the weekly trips to Norman for therapy, I miss fighting with him over homework, I miss the nurses, the doctors, the sound of his vent (especially when he would make it high pressure for attention). I miss the clicking of his wheelchair joystick. I still don't believe I'll never hear it again. His memories are everywhere which make it hard to avoid it. When we went clothes shopping for the funeral we went to the Target that I took him school shopping at and we kept running into people that knew him. Jaden's soccer practice, Lane used to drive circles around all the parents at practice and chase some of the scared little one's around. His/Jaden's school, he had just started his fourth year there, so hard to think he won't finish. We ate at Texas Roadhouse on Sunday and all I could think about was how he would have us crack open peanuts for him and would only accept the one's that stayed whole and then he would line them up in size order. I try to stay out of his room, I won't take his last can of trash out and can't even think about his last load of laundry. I even miss the worry, about his health, how he was doing in school, organizing appointments, is the nurse going to show up today...

3 comments:

Kerri said...

My heart continues to ache for your loss. Please know he still is greatly missed at Fisher. Don't ever stop talking or sharing stories about him!

Kerri Stanfill

ChatterScene.com said...

Big hugs

Rebekkah said...

Thanks.

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